My relationship was dying. I knew it, and she knew it, but neither of us were willing to admit it. I think we both thought that we had to stick it out, to prove that lesbians can have long partnerships, marriage, family, the whole lot. We had to prove something to the world, even if there was nothing left of “us”.

There was no time or energy for sex, let alone a little romance, even if I planned out a whole evening to share with my wife. We used the quiet time of a candlelit, homemade dinner to unwind so we could then, what veg out in front of the tv? Then, off to bed to… sleep? What was the point of shaving my legs and putting on that lacy negligee?

The hope that, maybe this time, we could reignite that spark that once was the central flame of our relationship. The hidden and fervent ache that, tonight, she would look at me with desire in her eyes, instead of with the comfortable exhaustion I’d grown to know all too well.

I went to work and settled into my usual routine, noticing that with every new day, I was slumping further over, and I was starting to get dark circles under my eyes because I would lay there at night and watch her sleep, wishing she would wake up and ravage me. My male colleague, who always seemed to be dating some new girl, pulled up a chair next to mine and gave me a tongue lashing (no, not that kind! I wish, though!) that was far too long in coming!

I needed to face facts: my marriage was a farce, to the point that it was becoming toxic. I deserved so much more than I was getting at home. I knew he was right, but I’ve never been single. Just one relationship after another, once I came out, and now the only lesbians I knew were mutual friends.

He told me about this group chat that he was a member of. I was like, “yeah, that’s great straight”. He rolled his eyes, then leaned in and informed me that there were other groups, ones that I could join on this network, and get to feeling good again. Later that night, probably close to three a.m., after hours of frustration listening to my wife snore softly, with “straight’s” words spinning through my head, I decided I’d had enough. I got up and snuck into the kitchen, and dialed in. I went through the prompts, answered some basic demographic questions, then I was all set up.

They connected me with a woman whose voice was like whiskey on silk. But I got so nervous, I hung up! Before I could even say a word. I called back the next night, and the next, meeting all kinds of women just like me- needing something more than their current partner would or could give. Just knowing I wasn’t alone, even though I was completely anonymous, changed my whole life! And I keep calling, hoping to find that sultry siren again, because I’m officially ready to move on!